Jezabelle.

Rest in peace my sweet Bella, i will forever love you. 

a response to "Mother Madness"...

Mother Madness by Erica Jong on WSJ.com was printed  in the Wall Street Journal on November 6, 2010, following is my response/thoughts on it.

Okay, i disliked this article. I can’t help but wonder if deep inside she feels some guilt for her own daughter being raised by the nanny and the houseman. Her daughter believes she felt “children were the death of a dream; they were the death of one's ambition”. I wonder if she feels guilt for once feeling that way Or if she still does and the nastiness she appears to feel towards attachments parenting stems from that feeling.

     First of all I feel she is wrong about there being an “orgy of motherphilia for at least the last two decades”. Sure in the last decade it seems like there have been many stars having children, but perhaps that’s just because it is the last decade I have been most aware of. People have children, even stars. To discredit these women’s desire to be mothers by saying they “want their own little replicas”, I find quite rude. So if a woman becomes a successful actress or musician she is supposed to lose all desire to have children? And if they do have children it is out of a desire to have a human accessory not because of the same desire that “ordinary” women have children for?

     I also do not understand why a mother cannot practice attachment parenting while having other people involved in her child’s life. I understand not everyone have friends or loved ones close by, that is not their fault. I practice attachment parenting (minus cloth diapering, but really how much does what’s on their butt have to do with how they are being raised?) but Sam’s grandmothers, grandfather, aunt and a slew of non-blood family members are involved in his life. I attachment parent within my village raising my child, and you can too! ;)

     I find it quite sad that she feels the “expectations” of attachment parenting victimize women. It saddens me that anyone would think any aspect of motherhood is victimizing; I find motherhood to be invigorating.  But I also feel this to be nothing new, there has long been a stigma on stay-at-home moms. I will never understand why people do not realize not everyone feels the way they do. Just because you would rather work and feel being home raising your children is entrapment doesn’t mean all women feel that way.

     The opinion that women who chose to raise their children following the ideals of attachment parenting are doing so for the intent of molding perfect children is foolish. I can only speak for myself but I am not raising my son the way I am in hopes of it making him perfect. Even though I do believe it benefits him to raise him as I do, I am also doing it for me. I do what I do not because I am thinking “this will make him a perfect person” but because I am thinking “this is what feels right”.   She also seems to assume that because I practice attachment parenting with my infant, I will smother my child as he grows resulting in his ability to solve problems himself being impaired. I find this to be insulting and ridiculous. Baby wearing, breastfeeding and co sleeping do not evolve to total dependence on the mother as an adult.

      I think the only correct thing she says in this article is that “We need someone to say: Do the best you can. There are no rules.”  She needs to remember this while writing so harshly on the way others chose to parent. 

the love for a newborn Sam...

A couple times i had written my thoughts/feelings shortly after having Sam, here they are:


08-28-10
      Being a mother creates some of the most amazing feelings i have ever felt. The joy i feel in my heart when the little lips of his form a smile is unmeasurable. I do not even mind the limited amount of sleep i receive, when previously i longed for every minute. now i regret a moment my senses are not attuned to him. Having Samuel has completed me, he has completed my family. Having Samuel and Kevin has given me everything i could ever want. I feel so much love, its as if my heart should explode.


08-30-10
      I have never in my life felt so sure about a choice i have made. Having Samuel was the most right choice i have ever made. I feel as if the path of my life has led to where it was meant to be. I was meant to be Samuel's mother. I feel such a peace when i look at his beautiful face. My love for him is as boundless as space and grows as the universe. I feel so blessed to have him, he is the most wonderful give i have ever been given. I thank the powers that be for giving me such a healthy, calm natured, beautiful son.

a glimpse back in time...

Some of my favorite pictures from Sam's birth to current:

Fresh out of the oven.

Still in the Hospital.

Four days old.

One week and two days old.

Kevin and Sam.

Sam and i.

Three weeks and five days old.

Sam and i.

Kevin and Sam.

Four weeks and two days old.

Vest made by the amazing Nicole.

Ten weeks and two days old.

Eleven weeks old.

My love/hate relationship with music...

Last night I found myself feeling quite lonely and bitter. These feelings of loneliness and bitterness stemmed from the absence of Kevin due to band practice. It wasn’t just the practice which had me feeling this way, it was the idea of future shows. Shows I would most likely not be attending.  You see, most bars are 18+ and even when they are not bringing an infant is frowned upon.  So even though I could go, I couldn’t bring Sam and I am just not ready to leave him… not even once a week.

Then on top of these feelings of loneliness and bitterness the feeling of selfishness settles in.  Kevin has always been involved in music. I know how important it is to him. I know that the feeling he feels on stage can only be achieved there, and I really don’t want to take it away from him. I don’t want to be one of those women who tell their partner “it’s the band or it’s me (us)”. Even if I knew 100% he would chose me (us), I would want him to make that choice on his own…and really, the selfless part of me doesn’t want him to Have to make that choice. He shouldn’t Have to make that choice. But then selfish Sara speaks up and says “We only have so much time together and time he could be spending with you and Sam, he’s spending at practice or in bars.” Ugh! Just shut up selfish Sara!

 It was while watching/listening to him play guitar and sing that I first started to develop feelings for him. I Love the musician inside him. I have always loved music, especially vocals. Kevin is honestly quite talented, he has a beautiful voice (when he chooses to actually sing, not just scream).  I love the idea of Kevin teaching Sam how to play guitar. When I imagine the future I imagine my son in band rather than in sports. (Although it goes without saying if Sam shows an interest in sports I will support him.)

 I love that Kevin is musical. I love that he gets on stage and feels something I can hardly imagine, and I want him to feel that. I love that if my son shows an interest in music (which I strongly hope he will) his father will be able to teach him about it. But I hate that music takes Kevin away from Sam and i. I hate that some of the precious time we have is spent apart due to the music. And I hate that I have to choose between being in the same space as my Son and watching my Love on stage. 

Kevin, in Kill Whitey.

Titles, Display Names and Handles...

For my first post on this blog i decided i should explain why i chose the title i did. Most who are reading this already know (as if anyone is really going to read this, but i'll pretend) i had been using the title "deadbluebird" or "adeadbluebird" for quite a while. Well, since i got pregnant i started using the title "birdblue" or "abirdblue"; i just didn't feel like a "deadbluebird" anymore. 

Let me back up even more and explain why it is I used that handle to begin with. My father had a tattoo of a blue bird on his left forearm with my name under it. My father died when I was eight. At some point when reading about blue birds I read that “a dead bluebird is a symbol of disillusionment, of the loss of innocence, and of transformation from the younger and naive to the older and wiser.” Therefore the handle seemed very fitting to me.  Losing my dad made me very disillusioned with life. I feel it killed my innocence and created emptiness inside me.

 Since having Sam that emptiness doesn’t seem as dark, in fact it seems to have shrunk. Sam has given me such a joy, he has lifted my spirits and has given me a feeling of hope that i haven't had in a very long time. Sam has revived me. 

My Dad and i:

Sam and i (on Halloween):