Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My love/hate relationship with music...

Last night I found myself feeling quite lonely and bitter. These feelings of loneliness and bitterness stemmed from the absence of Kevin due to band practice. It wasn’t just the practice which had me feeling this way, it was the idea of future shows. Shows I would most likely not be attending.  You see, most bars are 18+ and even when they are not bringing an infant is frowned upon.  So even though I could go, I couldn’t bring Sam and I am just not ready to leave him… not even once a week.

Then on top of these feelings of loneliness and bitterness the feeling of selfishness settles in.  Kevin has always been involved in music. I know how important it is to him. I know that the feeling he feels on stage can only be achieved there, and I really don’t want to take it away from him. I don’t want to be one of those women who tell their partner “it’s the band or it’s me (us)”. Even if I knew 100% he would chose me (us), I would want him to make that choice on his own…and really, the selfless part of me doesn’t want him to Have to make that choice. He shouldn’t Have to make that choice. But then selfish Sara speaks up and says “We only have so much time together and time he could be spending with you and Sam, he’s spending at practice or in bars.” Ugh! Just shut up selfish Sara!

 It was while watching/listening to him play guitar and sing that I first started to develop feelings for him. I Love the musician inside him. I have always loved music, especially vocals. Kevin is honestly quite talented, he has a beautiful voice (when he chooses to actually sing, not just scream).  I love the idea of Kevin teaching Sam how to play guitar. When I imagine the future I imagine my son in band rather than in sports. (Although it goes without saying if Sam shows an interest in sports I will support him.)

 I love that Kevin is musical. I love that he gets on stage and feels something I can hardly imagine, and I want him to feel that. I love that if my son shows an interest in music (which I strongly hope he will) his father will be able to teach him about it. But I hate that music takes Kevin away from Sam and i. I hate that some of the precious time we have is spent apart due to the music. And I hate that I have to choose between being in the same space as my Son and watching my Love on stage. 

Kevin, in Kill Whitey.

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