Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Myself, the way i see me.

The past

   I was born to young parents who loved me very much.  I have been told I was a difficult child, but also thoughtful and generous. My father passed away when I was 8, due to an accident at work. It goes without saying that this had made a big impact on my life, I have never stopped missing my father, wondering how things would be if he were here… I doubt I ever will. I was pretty much an outcast growing up; part of me was fine with this because I didn’t like the drama that seemed to surround most people but another part of me longed for more companionship.  I moved around a bit in my late teens/early twenties. I made choices I regret, as I think most people do.  

   I met my fiance a few years before we started dating and had a hardcore crush on him, but never thought he would be interested in me. Plus either he was involved with someone else or I was. Finally in February of 2006, he told me he also had feelings for me and we’ve been together since.  We have had difficult times but overall I feel we have had a very positive, loving relationship. I refuse to imagine my life without him.
   On August 19th of 2010 we brought our son Samuel into this world.  Growing up I dreamed of having a family, being a stay at home mother and wife.  Then for a period of time I didn't think I wanted to have children. I told people that I was too spontaneous, that I didn't want to have to worry about not being able to do certain things, or go certain places because I had a little life to consider. But I think a part of me was afraid of being as close to another person as I knew I would be to my child. Having lost my father at such a young age, a guidance councilor I confided in a lot while growing up, my grandfather very unexpectedly, then a boy I was very close to, then my best friend growing up shortly after that, I was very aware of how unpredictable life was and I knew then, as I still know now, that I couldn't handle losing my child. However in time I longed once again to have a family, I felt I had to embrace life and focus on the positives and not worry about the what if’s. I came to a point where I felt that the relationship I had with Kevin was very strong and deep, I knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with, to have a family with. I also wanted to be young enough to enjoy all of my child/children’s youth…so if we were going to have a family, we needed to do it, and soon.  So we made the decision, I got pregnant and gave birth to an amazing person who has changed me in many ways.

The current

   I used to think that life, pregnancy, childbirth wasn’t that big of a deal…wasn’t special. I thought about the process on a very scientific level, it wasn’t at all a miracle to me; someone having a healthy baby wasn’t in any way remarkable. Having Sam totally changed that…. Pregnancy and childbirth are now very remarkable to me. I feel so very blessed and thankful that I was able to have the vaginal birth I desired, and that my son was born healthy and continues to be. I have become very passionate about pregnancy, childbirth and babies. I am now one of the annoying people who see a pregnant woman or a baby and ask a million questions…although I have tried not to do that as much, and unless I know the person I won’t touch the belly or baby.  But I want to, I want to feel every pregnant belly and hold every little baby.  I would love to become a doula, or a lactation consultant. Breastfeeding has also become a passion of mine. I feel that every women who has the physically capability to breastfeed should. I feel too many doctors push formula, often using fear as a tactic which is a very successful. I think too many women feel/say they were not capable to breastfeed, when in fact they were…but just did not have the knowledge and/or strength to do so.  But even with my strong passion for breastfeeding I don’t want to make women who do not breastfeed feel badly. I honestly don’t want people in general to feel bad, especially when they feel they are doing the best they can.

   I fear I come across sometimes as being a know it all, I honestly do not believe I know it all….i actually often doubt myself. I try not to speak about a subject unless I am sure about it or I will try to make sure it is known that what I am saying is just my opinion. I tend to feel like the way I would do something is the right way, Kevin hates this and comments on it often, I need to work on being more open to doing things other peoples way, but in my defense…usually it turns out that my way is/was the better way. This often leads to me saying “see…if you had done what I said…” but it isn’t because I want to rub the bad choice in, but that I want people to listen to me and value my opinion more. I often feel my opinion isn’t valued. I pride myself on being a good listener.  I want to be a good listener because I believe it is important for people to know they are heard. And also because I want people to listen to me, and I honestly try to treat people as I want to be treated. I sometimes get frustrated easily, especially if I feel I am not being listened to, or that my opinion does not matter. I hate to feel like someone is trying to belittle me. When I am frustrated I yell, this is something I have been trying to work on…and that I will continue trying to work on. 

   I am very sensitive and sometimes needy. I need frequent reassurance that I am loved and appreciated, because I often feel unimportant. I try to let those who are important to me be aware of their importance. I am constantly telling the people I love, that I love them. I am very affectionate and I believe touch is very important. I believe touch is healing and I tend to long to be held. I cry a lot, I cry when I am angry, when I am sad, when I am scared, when I am happy…I cry too much. I also sometimes smile at inappropriate times, I will often be telling the truth about something…but my stupid grin will give the impression that I am lying.  I don’t like when someone doesn’t like me, especially If I feel they never gave me a chance, or don’t even really know me. When I don’t like someone, if I am in their presence I try to be kind and I am generally open to changing my opinion about them. Unless I simply have no respect for them, or feel that the person has no empathy or compassion for others. I don’t like for people to hurt. I have in the past said things when feeling hurt and angry myself with the purpose of hurting  the who  had hurt me but I quickly regret it and I try not to do that anymore.

   Sometimes I am late or I will cancel plans or I just won’t show up somewhere. This is something I need to work on. Sometimes when others cancel plans on me it greatly upsets me and sometimes it doesn’t bother me at all and I understand. I am unhappy with my appearance but I continue to make poor eating choices. I hate when my living space is cluttered and crave organization and neatness but I am sometimes a poor housekeeper.  I distrust psychiatry and the pharmaceutical industry and I try to give my son natural medicine if any at all. I believe in cohabitation and most of the time I enjoy living with my mother, but also sometimes crave having more of my own space. I love to garden and do crafty things but I tend to not finish my projects.
   So, this is a summary of me the way I see myself, how I feel.  There are many things I want to change about myself; I want to be a better person. Generally I mean well and have good intentions.  I like to think that I am worth knowing, that I am overall a good person. I hope that is true. 

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